Bethesda has finally done with Skyrim what I thought would not be possible, they hooked me.  I loved Oblivion and Fallout and many other fine pieces of software developed by Bethesda….. for a while.  Then in Oblivion as I am planning to help out some “chosen one” who sounds like Sean Bean and looks like a clean shaven Boromir tear down some glowing gates, I get distracted by a newly discovered dungeon or a sob story from some loser NPC that seems really insistent on telling me that they need my help. Me – a random hero who just somehow happened to be walking through town.  I mean really, who the heck walks around looking for a complete stranger to brave some scary dungeon just to retrieve some valued item and then actually trusting said stranger to deliver the goods.  At some point in the process I lose sight of why I am in the world in the first place and end up, well, crafting for a bit, collecting a few spells, going up a few levels, and more often than not fighting my most memorable battles not with monsters but with clunky menus.  Boredom sets in, the next game on my list shows up at the store, and another Elder Scrolls game gets put on the shelf.  Pretty much the same thing happened with Fallout except with fewer wizards and more giant radio-active mutants.

If I am to complete Skyrim, I have to clear away all distractions and focus on claiming the title of dragon slayer. I must live by one rule: Stay on target.

When I loaded up Skyrim,  I wanted to be The Dragonslayer. I wanted my 50 Achievement points for doing it.  I wanted to beat an Elder Scroll game.  Yes, I know the game generates new quests and you can play it forever, but all I wanted to be able to say was that I beat the main story arch, plain and simple. I “finished” a Bethesda game.

No side quests, no level grinding. I would focus solely on the main quest line.  Being the caring fellow that I am, my next problem was figuring out how to ignore all the cries for help from the multitude of needy NPCs. How I do I not follow up on a mysterious letter from a “Friend”. How do I not care about the blight on the people of Skyrim?

Answer: Name your character “Lothar of the Hill People”.

What a difference a name makes in how you view the world around you.  It is tough to take any of a world’s inhabitants seriously when all you can think about is an old SNL skit and lines from Monty Python’s Holy Grail.  Letters sent to Lothar of the Hill People by a mysterious “Friend” just make me giggle like an idiot – and back to the main quest I go.  Oh what? there is another NPC who lost her dog?   Lady, we call that dragon food. Life sucks, get a horned helmet.  It is no wonder that Skyrim is in such bad shape, nobody is willing to get up of their pixelated arses and do anything for themselves!  They are all waiting around for me to show up and solve their problems.  Well guess what people, I’ve got a job to do, and that job does not include saving poodles from dragons or collecting random items from some dungeon that you are too lazy to clear out yourself.   Lothar of the Hill People is moving on.

Ah – learning a new language can set you free.

If I didn’t like how a conversation was going in Skyrim with, say, a Graybeard who had the nerve to refuse to give me what I wanted because he was mifted that I was working with the Blades to retrieve some stupid scroll I needed, I would explain to him very calmly, the importance for me to have his cooperation in doing exactly what I needed him to do…..In the language of dragons.  God I love shouting at people in this game.  ”Hey how do we know you are the chosen one?”  ”Why should I trust you?”  ”What if I don’t help you?” “Nag nag nag” ….The Dragon Shout has to be the best communication tool in the history of gaming.   It really helped me to better communicate what I was feeling about each and every one of these lazy NPC’s I encountered. “Hey Jarl, I can see why your kingdom is in shambles, maybe if you got up and walked around town once in a while, things might get better around here. So don’t give me any of your lip and just let me know what fetch quest you are sending me on so I can get this over with.”

With the few levels I did manage to earn while sailing through the game, ignoring as many NPC’s as I could, I found that selecting skills and talents in Skyrim was a much improved experience from previous Elder Scrolls games.  It could be described as elegant, well thought out, and easy to navigate.  Get what you want, when you want it.  To look into the stars of all the skills and possibilities of what my character could become.   It almost made me forget about all the lethargic NPC’s I would be dealing with when I get back into the world of Skyrim.  Question for Bethesda though….Why are all the icons on the map white, when most of the landscape is covered in snow?  I mean really who thought that was a good idea?

If there is one thing that could keep me from my goal of completing the main quest, it would be my new hobby, hunting dragons.  It is one of the few games I have played where you look to the heavens for new opportunities to trade shots with scaled, savage beasts, I mean, have a meaningful conversation with those creatures with whom I share a common language. Once a dragon has agreed with my point of view, he or she kindly fades away leaving me with a crap ton of loot I have to carry back to town.  I mean really, why do dragon scales and bones have to weigh so much? And why wont any of those worthless NPC guards who just witnessed my epic beat down offer to help me to carry this stuff back to town.  I figure if we all helped out we could make a decent set of armor from one whole dragon but NO, they just stand there in shock while I take what I can and the rest rots away. Typical NPC.

Bugs + giants herding mammoths = Believing a viking can fly. Too funny.

End game.  Cleared the air, used starting flame spell, and saved the world. I was finally a level 14 Dragon Slayer.  Upon my return the the world of Skyrim, I was no longer some hero out to make a name for himself.  I was the hero that had made a name for himself.  I am Dragon born, savior of the world.  I was like Cohen the barbarian, with a whole world to explore.  ”Oh you have some bandits in a cave? Relax.  I think I can handle it.” The monkey is finally off my back.  I beat the main story of an Elder Scroll game. In my world I have many new adventures, skills, and items to explore and nothing to prove.  None of this would have been possible without the talented people at Bethesda.  They did what I thought was not possible.  I’m hooked on Skyrim.  So to the people at Bethesda I say, I am very happy I picked up Skyrim: Elder Scrolls on day one, brand new. Next time, better map. As for the NPC’s, I guess I will have to live with them, missing poodles and all.That is what heroes do.